Disclaimer: All along, my biggest fear about the whole trip, was not the going without my DH or meeting a child blind, it was the actual flite to Siberia itself. I had read about the rickety old, loud planes, where parts fall off, and everyone smokes like a chimney. You would see livestock, they said, (there WAS a dog!) and the freezing cold made it hazardous. That being said,you can only imagine my mental state as the hour drew near. I traveled with a big burly ex-marine, who I will call "R" & his wife. As we headed towards the gate, he seemed pale and agitated.He said "Im with you on this one Rain. I do NOT like the thought of flying over Siberia!" So he & I ducked into a little bathroom and did a stiff shot of 151. (Not apologizing here, I was a nervous wreck!) It was like something out of a war movie! we wished each other the best of luck and ran to meet the plane.

It was all so surreal..strange language, & unfamiliar people.. never smiling.I scour their faces for encouragement, for support.. for humanity. there is none to be found.I am on this journey alone.time blurs.. we get on a crude bus type vehicle, that heads out toward the stark tarmac. There are no gates , no covered tunnels that allow easy boarding. we are deposited on the cold, snow covered runway. Suddenly I am aware that I am completely out of my element. Having traveled all over the world I am surprised at the anxiety I feel. It is twilight,that time when the day, and all it held,is slowly disappearing, to be replaced by the unknown events of the night.The light is different colors ("sweet light", we photographers call it) casting a eerie, yet comforting glow to our surroundings..the snow is falling.. soft, gentle, yet unyielding flakes. I look out into nothing but cold, dreary, flatness. I am afraid.Not devoid of peace, mind you, just a overwhelming sense of "WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING???????" I am going to fly on a small (not very mechanically sound?) plane,over freezing, giant mountains, in the dark.. ( like they'd EVER find us, if we went down...)to SIBERIA. HELLO!!?tears are streaming down my face at this point, unchecked.. I think of my two little boys at home, my husband (ok, & the cats) and wonder if this is what staring death in the face, is like.I can hear it now..from the kids "Why did mommy leave us, to do something so dangerous when she didn't HAVE to?" Wasn't she happy with just us? did she HAVE to find a daughter?from my husband "Crazy nut, you never know what she'll do next! hope she's ok!" from the church- "poor thing... so young" (so pretty! HAH!)so much to live for.. what a shame.."I snap back to reality (from my Walter Mitty moment!) my brain is screaming" YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS!"The little devil & angel on my shoulders, who have been expressing their opinions loudly, have long since frozen, so soon I am alone, not comprehending just why I am so emotional.My translator had to go back to the ticket counter twice, involving my ticket. ( it had some weird symbol on it?) "R" can read enough Russian to get us to the proper alphabet row, where I am separated from them & my MIL, and seated next to a stern Russian gentleman & his equally somber wife. As folks are quietly boarding, an officer of some sort, stands over me and a small dispute ensues. The BEAUTIFUL ( I cannot say enough on how gorgeous the woman are) flite attendant, points to the back of the plane, and the officer (who WASNT a gentleman!) grumbles and starts grabbing his things out of the overhead bin. The stern man next to me, leans over & in broken English ( which he is VERY proud of!) says I am in the wrong seat! He tells the flite attendant," She is an American, just leave her be!" I am beyond grateful at this point. He asks me why I am so upset and I take a breath & try to explain.I grew up in Hawaii..The island? he says with recognition, it is warm!"Yes ! I tell him. I have only seen snow a few times, and am scared to fly in it! (Ok, for those of you who think I'm a total weenie, it was way below zero and there was ice on the wings!!! where is it I read airplane fuel has been known to freeze up?)Why are you going to remote Blagoveshchensk? (It is KILLING him to ask me, I can tell.) I hesitate, as that question stirs up some heavy controversy! I dig out my phrase book and begin to tell him about adopting a little girl.He leans over to his wife, (who has all but dismissed me) and in an excited voice, chatters for awhile.She now looks me in the eye, and smiles approvingly. I dig out the little book I have made for Summer. with pictures of her new brothers, the house, her princess room, the pool, Daddy...I had left in such a flurry,I didn't have time to translate it. I asked him if he would mind helping me. He took out a pen and wrote carefully on each page. When he saw one of our family pix, he said"Oh, your husband, he is a GOOD man!".I laughed & said yeah? well he has his moments! after a few pages more, he put down the book, looked at mewith solemn eyes and wondered aloud. Your husband? He take care of another man's child?I couldn't decide if there was more disbelief or admiration in his voice. Silently, he looked over the rest of the book,oohing & aahing over our house, showing his wife the "INTERIOR" as he called it.Then he turned back in my direction, this time it was HIM, who had the tears,literally streaming down his once stern face.Full of emotion he said " Thank You. thank you for taking one of our children to live in a house, such as this! To have a chance at life."As I settled back, (comforted) in my seat,for what was a very long (but suddenly not so scary) 9 hr flite, I couldn't help but musing..

That not smiling on the outside...
is absolutely no indication,
of the heart on the inside...