Someone talk me off the ledge...

I WAS PATIENT

I was patient when the adoption packet came in the mail...OCT 2004

I was patient when we announced at Thanksgiving,
we were going to Russia.
I was patient as I fended off dumb questions from relatives, and after seeing the time lines of several friends, I decided I could be more patient and wait the 4 months
it would take get bring her home..
(pause as you all regroup, yes that WAS the time back then!)

I was patient when the new laws went into effect, placing all the children
another 6 months on the data base.


I suffered and had my heart torn out,
after losing a little host girl, who I just KNEW was perfect for our family..

That night, I sat in my bathtub, in the dark,
and cried & cried.
I swore I would NEVER open my heart up again.

I was wandering around, in a state of numbness, and checked the studios voicemail for messages.

"Hello, we saw your portraits in our doctor's office and wanted to tell you our story...
Our baby was born with many problems and needs brain surgery. We do not know if she will live, and wanted to ask if you would do her portraits. We cannot pay you much, but do not want charity, but we love your work and would be honored if you would help us.."

I looked up at heaven, and said
THANK YOU JESUS
for giving me this opportunity
to bless someone else...

then I cried & cried because I really DID want to be open to others, and I knew God had begun to heal my heart.
Deep down I secretly dreamed for a little girl..

I was patient as videos were fazed out..

I was patient when they explained that,
we now had to travel blind, no pictures, no medicals (and a whole lot of faith)

I picked up my fainted husband and told him
It's ok we can still do this!!
Slowly the color came back to his face,
and I knew we were still in the game.


I tried to be happy & supportive to others along the way.
I sent presents, and made avatars with pretty images of the sweet faces, that were already home...
I took joy in meeting folks off this forum ( especially Sands & Lo-La -La!!!)
and delighted in taking their pictures in my studio. Ü

I never vented over the ridiculous delays and lack of communication.....
( ok, so I kicked the dog a few times)

(KIDDING!!!!)

I never whined (not in public anyway!)

I didnt drink....
or overeat....
or lay on my couch & eat bon bons, feeling sorry for myself..

NOOOO!!! Instead, I went to work and fawned over the new babies and made kids smile and dreamed of the day I would bring Summer home.

I was patient as we finally got our first travel dates....(one year after signing up)

I was patient, when as a family, we decide it was best if my husband stayed behind.

When the time finally came meet my child,
I was patient, as I looked over her face, soaking in every detail...
her laugh, her eyes, the way she clung to, and nurtured the baby doll I had brought her.

(She still sits patiently, right here on my desk, ready to go back to Russia on a moments notice.)

I was patient, as we said our final goodbyes.
I took care not to squeeze her,
as tight as I wanted to...
They led her away, smiling and waving.
Baka! Baka! (bye)
she whispered...

I came home and just couldn't get jolly
for the holidays, so we had a family meeting and decided to donate all of our Christmas money & buy presents for that very family,
God had put in our path a few months before...
We instead, had pizza & baked cookies, and hung ornaments (made with pix of Summer) all over our tree.
On Christmas morning, we (very patiently)
snuggled,and basked in our good deed, and decided it was the best Christmas ever.

I caught my breath, but was patient,
when they said
expect 3-5 months for a court date.

On her birthday, I went into her room..
sat on her bed, and bawled like there was no tomorrow....
I put the present & the pix of her cake,
on the shelf and closed the door behind me....

I was patient as I re-did the medicals and home study & who knows WHAT document at that point...


When they said the judge was going on
a month long vacation,
I was patient even then..

I busied myself with
living the life, I would
want for my daughter.

I made plans with friends, and shot on location, and went to out of state conventions. I took painting classes and walks with my boys..


and now I sit, on the eve of the judge returning.....
I do not know what to do
with myself..

I mentally know the number of days (45)until accreditation may or may not
be renewed....

Please...please....please!!!!!
Mr Judge..
give me a date...
a time....
an end to this wait,
to bring my little girl home..!!!!!



I simply
cannot
be patient
one MORE MINUTE!!!

Is it politically incorrect
to start my own ring chant????

something better happen soon...
I have a list of demands...
I'm a woman on the edge.
I have my day planner ready...
& Im not afraid
to use it!!!!!